


Tindr Bribes

by Tpants



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, Squiddy makes a guest appearance, hot chocolate as bribe, tindr gone weird
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:27:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22260286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tpants/pseuds/Tpants
Summary: There is a lot of snow and Sirius really doesn't want to shovel it.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 16
Kudos: 137





	Tindr Bribes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Starstruck4Moony](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starstruck4Moony/gifts).



> Thank you Starstruck4moony for the idea, the recipe, feeding me, and beta-ing this.   
> Also, I'm not a cook. All the cooking done in this fic was by a professional. Attempt at your own risk.

**J, I am seriously considering a tindr account**

_ Why? _

**There’s just so much snow to shovel. I’m about to post a picture of all this snow with the message “Come shovel my driveway and I’ll give you a squid drawing….maybe hot chocolate.”**

_ *Facepalm emoji* Don’t do it.  _

**Too late. Can’t a guy just get someone to shovel his driveway in exchange for squid art?**

_ You can, but the guys who want squid art will be on the wrong side of the bell curve.  _

**HOW DARE!**

_ Get Pete to help out _

**IDK. He’ll try to help and then get caught in the snow cause the roads aren’t plowed yet and then I’ll have to shovel him out, too. OMG I GOT A HIT**

_ Please don’t die _

***Middle finger emoji***

-

Sirius opened the tindr app on his phone to read the messages on the screen from multiple readers: 

1napprodrinker: “Prove that you’re hot chocolate.” 

Takoeater4ever: “Tentacle fetish?“ 

SoupCr33p: ”Pics of dick?” 

After a few dick pics, and other suggestive messages, Sirius found one that made him raise an eyebrow: 

WoofMoon:  I don’t think you understand what tindr is

Siriusbiz: **I know what I’m doing. Are you interested or not?**

WoofMoon:  How do I know the squid art is any good?

Sirius narrowed his eyes at the screen, how dare someone judge his artistic talent. He’s been designing recycled textual apparel for years now. He knows he’s good. After a bit of ruffling through some of his spare squid artwork, Sirius found a squid trying to flip off the viewer with its tentacles and sent a picture over.

WoofMoon:  How well do I have to shovel to have the hot chocolate guaranteed? 

Sirius twitched. 

Siriusbiz:  **IDK. I’ll have to see your work first.**

WoofMoon:  Fair enough. 

Siriusbiz:  **?**

There were no three dots bouncing at the bottom of the screen. Sirius couldn’t tell if that meant someone was coming to shovel his driveway or not. Sirius quickly scrolled up to see the name, Remus. He tapped onto Remus’ profile to gauge what type of person might be showing up at his driveway, and he was not disappointed. 

It looked like someone had taken a photo of Remus looking at his coffee cup. Fluffy curls, nice nose, can’t tell the eye color, nutmeg skin tone, and nice hands.  _ Not a bad catch. _ Same age as Sirius. Under the photo read:  IDK, 8===>.

“What does that even mean?” Sirius mumbled to himself. 

After an hour of silence, Sirius figured he will have to get dressed and shovel his own driveway. Why did he even buy a house? If he knew it was going to be this much work, he would have just brought the entire floor at some condo building to make room for his studio. 

Once he got his pants on, Sirius heard the sound of a plow truck turning in to clear the streets. Cursing, he shoved his feet into wool socks before cramming them into his boots. Then he heard the weirdest sound: someone was shoveling at his front door. 

“...the fuck…?” Not even putting on his jacket, Sirius went to open his front door to see a massive pom-pom ball. “...can I help you?” 

Under the pompom, hazel eyes peeked out from between the knitted hat and scarf. “You needed someone to shovel you out in exchange for art and hot chocolate.” 

“ _ Maybe _ hot chocolate,” Sirius corrected. He couldn’t make out more of the man under the thick winter jacket and who knows how many layers of clothes. He couldn’t be sure if Hazel-eyes here was Remus or not. Then again, who can trust tindr profile pictures anyways. “You’re Remus?”

“Yes, and I think I earned that hot chocolate.” The man leaned back on his shovel. Sirius could applaud the man’s confidence. He stepped out to look at his cleared front door to the driveway. There was even a cleared path from his house to his neighbor’s. 

Then it hit him. “How did you know where I lived?!” 

The man laughed, “My parents live next door, I’m home for the holidays.” 

Remus pulled the scarf down under his chin, exposing the rest of his face and Sirius almost forgot to breathe. That tindr photo did the man no justice. There was no warning that there was a  _ dimple  _ on his right cheek when he smiled. No one mentioned the dash of freckles just under his eyes. Sirius didn’t even know he had a thing for a slight overbite. 

Remus’s voice interrupted Sirius’ internal monologue. “So...about that art and hot chocolate?” 

“Oh, right. Um..come in.” Sirius opened up the front door more for Remus to enter. Stomping off the snow, Remus stepped inside carefully to not make a mess. 

“Go ahead and make yourself at home, I’ll see if I have hot chocolate,” Sirius called over his shoulder before walking into the kitchen. 

“What? What do you mean you’re not sure if you have hot chocolate?” Remus’ voice trailed after Sirius. 

“I mean I’m not sure? I didn’t actually check before I made the post.” 

“You are aware that’s false advertising, right?” 

Sirius pulled his head out of the pantry to see Remus, his curls freed from the giant pompom hat, leaning against his kitchen counter.  _ Your profile picture not explaining how good you look in my kitchen is false advertising.  _ ”That’s why I added ‘maybe’. I have a chocolate bar? Or do you want coffee instead?” 

Remus straightened up and walked over to Sirius, looked at the chocolate bar in his hand and then his shoulders dropped. Sirius had a thought that maybe he just broke Remus’ heart. 

“Do you have milk?” 

“Er...yeah.” He pointed to the can of coconut milk. “So coffee?” 

“Perfect.” Remus reached past Sirius for the can of coconut milk. “Sirius, right? Where are your pots and pans?” 

Not trusting himself to speak while he’s making note of how nice Remus’ forearms looked with the jumper’s sleeves rolled up, Sirius pointed to the rack of pots and pans hanging by the stove. 

“Oops, didn’t noticed.” Remus grabbed a saucepan and set it on the stove. Sirius silently handed Remus the can opener from a drawer.  _ Okay, the photo almost expressed how elegant his fingers actually are.  _

Remus turned on the stove, poured the coconut milk into the saucepan. Then looked at the chocolate bar that Sirius forgotten about on the counter. “You have good taste in chocolate.” 

“I hav-” WHAM! Remus smacked the chocolate bar a few more times against the counter cutting off Sirius. 

“There, now we don’t have to cut it,” Remus answered smugly as he tossed the pieces of chocolate into the saucepan too. “Wooden spoon?” 

“I don’t have one,” Sirius answered. 

Remus’ mouth dropped open. “How do you not have a wooden spoon? What about a spatula?” 

“Why would I need one? Here, use a normal spoon.” Sirius dug around in his utensil drawer, noticing that Remus visibly cringed from his peripheral vision. “I have a wooden rice paddle?”

“Sirius Cassiopeia Capricorn, your utensils drawer doesn’t even have an organizer,” Remus stated as he took the rice paddle to stir. 

“Did you just made up my middle and last name, Remus Jupiter Lupin?”

“How did you know my last name? Do you have gelatin?” 

Sirius shifted things around in his pantry. “I know your parents, we’re neighbors. Mrs. Lupin and I discuss gardening things.” 

Remus picked up the bag of gelatin as soon as Sirius set it down. “Oh? I didn’t realize you did gardening with all the snow. Cups?” 

Sirius set down two mugs from a cabinet and leaned against the counter, watching Remus continued stirring the hot chocolate on the stove. “You really are determined for hot chocolate, aren’t you, Remus?” 

“I most definitely earned it.” Remus hummed, “It’s the least you can do considering that I had to also shovel from my parents to your house.”

“Oi, I stated explicitly to only shovel my driveway.” 

“And then you made me make my own hot chocolate.” Remus sighed, dramatically rolling his eyes before ending on a soft smile. Sirius’ heart skipped a beat. 

“If I had powdered hot chocolate mix, I would have totally made you one.” 

“No. Just no.” Remus shuddered, reaching for the mugs to pour in the hot chocolate. “After this, you’ll never be able to get those chocolate mixes again. Careful, it’s hot.” 

Sirius gingerly took the mug to his lips. It was warm, just enough to keep from burning his tongue. 

The rest of the evening continued with them discussing things from Sirius’ work with recycled textiles and Remus’ culinary pursuits, to rambling through which squid art piece would be most inspiring for Remus’ future Michelin Star restaurant. They dug around Sirius’ studio until they found some awful squid jumper that would fit Remus, planned menus where Sirius’ design would decorate.

The next morning, Sirius woke up to his doorbell ringing. Remus groaned beside him. They were tangled in blankets on the couch, they lost track of time and seemed to have dozed off sometime in the early morning. 

“I’ll get it.” Sirius got up, wrapping one of the fuzzy blankets around his shoulders to answer the door. As soon as he opened the door, Sirius was enveloped into a big hug. 

“OH MY GOD. SIRIUS, YOU’RE ALIVE. Oh god, I thought I lost you to some tindr rando since your driveway was shoveled but you never give me a sign to come and save you. Were they at least good looking?!”

“Yes, yes, I’m alive, James. And he is very good looking.” Sirius patted his best friend's back.

“Very good looking, eh?” Sirius tensed up in James’ arms, knowing that Remus is standing behind him.

“Hi. I’m James.” James reached an arm out, still holding Sirius in his other arm.

“Hi, I’m Remus, the tindr rando that shoveled Sirius’ driveway.” Sirius can tell they’re shaking hands even with his back turned. Well, if the cat’s out of the bag…

Sirius straightened himself up, “I’m so glad you’re both meeting and all that, but I really would like to test out Remus’ breakfast skills.” 

“..that’s the weirdest euphemism for morning sex ever.” 

“He’s a chef, James!”

[Sirius Voicemail: Full]

“Hey Sirius, can you call dad please? He’s making it sound like we’re going to have use Padfoot to find your body.” 

“Sirius Black, if you don’t call James back soon, I will murder you myself.”

“I’M ON MY WAY TO SAVE YOU, SIRIUS!” 

**Author's Note:**

> Seriously, Starstruck4moony made this hot chocolate for me and it's amazing. If you attempt it, let me know, but I am in no way responsible if you set your kitchen on fire.


End file.
